'Huh, it's hot.'
I leaned back in my chair and stretched out. I groaned and opened my eyes, and before I knew it, there was a large iridescent cloud looking down at me from far away outside the window. I gazed at it as if tracing its outline, entranced by its sheer size.
What am I doing?)
I glance at the phone on my desk. Even though I know it won't ring at the right moment, I can't help hoping it will.
And then you pick up your pencil again and resume your studies. There is no such thing as compromise in the exam. You have to think that your rivals will take advantage of your slackness, and if you don't do your best, they will soon overtake you.
Since I did not have any plans for the summer vacation, I decided to lead a regular life for the time being. I woke up at the same time and went to bed at the same time. I would take a walk or listen to music for a change of pace.
If I study all day long to the point that my head is spinning, I will reach my limit in three days, so I try to keep my life neither too loose nor too tight.
Are you feeling okay?
'Yeah. I think my academic performance is good for now if I keep up the good work.
'No, it's my health.
I was licking ice cream in the living room when my mother approached me with concern.
Don't worry, I'm doing fine. I'm fine.
'Well, that's good. I'm not going to tell you anything about the exam because I trust you. Alina will be fine.
'Thank you. I'll do my best!
If I get accepted to my first choice, will I be able to repay the favor? If my mother, who has been bothering and worrying me for so long, is happy, I'll be happy.
I won't go to the same university as Comet. I'm sure of it. Our courses are completely different, and our academic abilities are not equal. We will be apart in less than a year, that's for sure.
I was tossed around by these circumstances and the strong emotions I experienced for the first time, and I said some things that were out of character for me at that time. Just remembering it makes my face burn.
I can't get his confused face out of my mind. I didn't think he would be so confused when I told him I loved him. I never thought that I would have told him how I felt before that, but it was all in hindsight.
If I had received a positive word...
What would you do? What happens?
I feel like an idiot asking myself questions that I know I know.
I don't want to leave him.
I feel sad and bitter that he will graduate from the box of the classroom and fly away to a place I don't know. No matter how much I reach out to him, I will never be able to catch up with him. That's why I wanted a connection.
People who know my true feelings would probably call me arrogant. I don't think it's in my nature either. But I think everyone would abandon themselves if they had something in front of them that only comes around once in their lives. I can say with certainty that it is coming for me.
I don't care when. I don't have any plans.
Oh, no, you're not going on a date with Comet?"
'No, I won't! You can't call it a date. ......!'
But you said you two had tea alone after school.
'That was just, you know, an accident or something. ......'
Let's get back to the topic!
Tsuru called me and told me about the study group we had been talking about.
'So you're sure Alina is available anytime?
'What about the location?'
'Location? Maybe at home.
Then go to Comet's house!
'No, I can't! I can't do it!
Yes, sir, I can't hear you.
'...... nervous, I'm nervous!
It's so cute! Alina, you've become so cute!
Oh, God, no. .......
I'm so nervous that I can't concentrate on my studies. I heard that I went to his house on New Year's Day, but I don't remember it, so it's even more impossible. Besides, I don't know how to get along with Ugin-chan yet, and he might feel uncomfortable if I visit him.
I'll think of something and we'll just have fun, okay?
'That's fine, but not at his house. Absolutely not.
'Aye, aye, aye, aye, aye, aye. See you later.
If we end up at his house, I'll buy a sedative. Maybe I'll lose my cool. If I do something shameful, I'll have a crane kill me. At least I'll die clean.
I tuck my hair back to let the air flow around the nape of my neck and get into the mood.
I have to do my best!
I stood up tall and went to my desk again.
Two days later.
It's hot again today, so hot that I start sweating just by moving a little. I was amazed at how the cicadas were able to sing so energetically. I would collapse if I sang on such a hot day.
So I ran into the air-conditioned living room and watched a rerun of a ghost show. I don't believe in ghosts.
While I was watching the show, my phone rang. It was a call from Tsuru.
'Yes, I'm Nippa.
'Alina? Listen to me calmly. I just called Ugin-chan.
I remember exactly what she said. It rang in my head over and over, as if bells were ringing. And I remember the phone hanging up and what I was going to do. But I did nothing.
On my knees, hands on the floor. A terrible despair gnaws at my chest and I can't stand.
I have to go...
Yes, to him. To be with him.
But the door is far away. My heartbeat blurs my vision. No, it's my heavy breathing.
Why is the world so cruel? What have I done to him that he should be punished for? All I want is to be with him. Why won't anyone forgive me for that? Why can't I remember him? Why can't we be closer?
When you come near, I pull away, when I reach out, you go away.
Comet is in a coma from ischemia.
Tsuru's voice was not a lie. I knew he was telling the truth, but I wanted to tell him it was a lie.
A sharp, painful feeling welled up in me like a gouge in my chest, and I cried, unable to hold back my sobs. So miserable. Even though I held my mouth, air and voice leaked out with each sob.
What if I had died?
I cried, thinking things I should never think. And I thought that I might never hear his voice again.
I haven't even heard his answer yet.